CENOTAPH
by C4tch3r1nTh3M4z3
Summary: Mildly AU. Eridan Ampora is trying desperately to pick up the pieces of his shattered life. Fortunately, he's not as alone as he thought, as the kids and trolls, minus John and Jade, are hurtling through space, trapped in a freezing meteor. But their time is running out... because Noir is catching up. (Pale) Eridan-Kanaya and (Flushed) Kanaya-Rose, with more pairings to come.
1. Introduction

Greetings one and all.

This is my first HS fanfiction I've posted, so I'd appreciate it if you left reviews with your thoughts for improvement.

This IS slightly AU- the trolls and two of the kids are on the meteor, fleeing the Scratched session from Bec Noir. However, everyone is alive (with the possible exception of Aradia?) and not, you know, murdered or left behind.

I should probably apologize for the short length of chapter 1, but whatever, this is my not caring face.

The artist responsible for this sexy cover image is =Aquillic-Tiger on deviantART. Definitely worth checking out :O

Thanks, enjoy!

**CENOTAPH**

**Chapter 1**

* * *

Three years was a long time.  
Long even for a normal life. But longer still aboard the cold shell that was their world now.  
Their world, their savior, their tomb, their home.  
The meteor was unevenly divided up to provide the kids and trolls with not only a living space, but almost everything they needed to eke out life in the abandoned labs. A central wing held banks of computers, the kitchens, and public alchemiters. Individual quarters branched off from the central areas, twisting away into the myriad labyrinths of rusting pipes, tortured metal, and cold blackness. Almost everyone had elected to keep their quarters as small and as close to the others' as possible, half out of convenience and half out of a mind of safety. The upper levels were mostly safe, but the underlabs and far reaches of the top layer were infested with Imps, and as you went down farther, much worse things.  
Sollux had repaired and developed the lab's security systems enough that there was usually advance warning of intruders in the upper levels, but Karkat had quickly decided there was a need for greater security, and assigned regular patrol duties. They rotated twice-daily, a task complicated by the nocturnal nature of the trolls.  
Without John and Jade, and with the addition of Argent and the Mayor, the group more or less struggled to get by. The occasional message found its way through Paradox Space to reach them, but Sollux doubted that their own replies were received as frequently.  
Dave was unusually solemn without his best bro around, and only rarely acquiesced to a "jousting of slam poetry" with Tavros. Whatever loneliness he felt was hidden far beyond his sunglasses, and concealed just as well through his regular outings with Terezi.  
Rose was coping somewhat better, yet felt the absence of the Egbert siblings acutely, although only Kanaya was entitled to be aware of it. Instead, Rose tried to distract herself through her unofficial position as the group's resident psychiatrist, a job that was "not completely devoid of thanks, but also one of harrowing difficulty and of the utmost importance," as she put it.  
So it was not of great surprise when, as she made her way through one of the dimly-lit corridors to the lab's public space, Rose nearly collided with a rather distressed-looking troll, dressed in regal finery and many jangly bits of jewelry, but wearing a most unpracticed frown.  
"Hi Rose," Feferi said unhappily.  
"Hello, Feferi. What's wrong?" Rose asked, with not a little exasperation.  
The highblood troll clasped her delicate-looking hands behind her, but Rose was not fooled. She knew that, although immature, Feferi possessed the strength of an apex predator, and could probably tear Rose in half, dainty nails or no.  
"It's about Eridan, isn't it?" Rose guessed, when Feferi failed to respond.  
The highblood troll shifted uncomfortably, looking at her feet.  
"Maayyyybeeee..."  
Rose sighed, and tried to find a comfortable piece of wall to lean against. It was a venture doomed to fantastic failure, and she ended up awkwardly braced against a portion of freezing steel with several bolts digging into her spine. Still, it was the best she could do whilst seeming casual.  
"Whale, I saw you talking to him the other day, and I was wondering... does he seem like he's doing okay to you?"  
In reality, Eridan had shoved past Rose on his way from the dingy public cafeteria, and she'd stopped reluctantly, but compelled by curiosity to know why he was in such a hurry.  
"Outta my wway, uh... human. I'm kinda busy at the moment," Eridan had blurted, his words barely intelligible under his heavy seadweller's accent.  
"Whatever could be so important as to obviate your manners?" Rose asked pointedly, not moving aside.  
"Wwhat? Oh, you're Kan's matesprit, so you gotta be a wwordy one. Sorry I'm wway too busy to be dealin with you humans right now," he said impatiently, brushing past her and into the hallway.

"Our interaction has been... negligible, I fear," Rose said, frowning.  
"Oh..." Feferi glubbed unhappily. "I've been a little worried about him, ever since..." She trailed off, but had already said enough for Rose to infer the rest. She'd heard from Kanaya about Eridan and Feferi's breakup a while ago, and hadn't thought much of it at the time.  
"If anything were wrong, Karkat will have taken care of it," Rose assured her. "All I know is that apparently he's quite occupied with some important matter or another."  
"Oh... Whale, I guess that makes sense..." Feferi said, thinking.  
Hmm.. Most fortuitous.  
"I suppose I could make an inquiry to ascertain the nature of his more recent irregularities," Rose said, exploring.  
"That would be amazing, Rose, thank you!" Feferi said brightly, taking Rose's hand in both of hers.  
"Don't mention it," Rose replied graciously. "I'll let you know what I find, shall I?"

"Ampora?" Karkat asked, surprised. "Why do you want to know?"  
Rose had approached their esteemed leader as he sat in the public lab, typing furiously at his husktop. She'd tried to time it during the patrol rotation so there wouldn't be anyone eavesdropping, or more likely, bursting into the room via transportalizer as seemed to happen nearly every once a day.  
"He made it quite clear he was "wway too busy to be dealin with you humans." Rose looked around for a chair to pull up, but Karkat had the only one and the more she looked at his workstation, which was covered in crumpled maps and strange Alternian scribbles, the more she decided against sitting anyway.  
"Uh, yeah. Well, that's his own fucking business, isn't it? It's best you don't concern yourself with him," Karkat said with finality, turning back to his Trollian client. Rose tried to look over his shoulder, but there were so many chat windows open at once that she couldn't even see who all he was talking to. The timeline feed was a jumbled mess of colored lines, and Rose found herself suddenly thankful that she wasn't the one in charge of managing the time players' comings and goings.  
"It was my assumption that you would take note of-" Rose began, frowning.  
"You need me to make it an order? Fine. Stay the fuck away from Eridan Ampora." He glared at her for a moment, before turning back for the second time to his husktop.  
"Now get back to whatever it is you were doing before you decided to engage in being a complete and total waste of my fucking time, which, by the way, I have absolutely no need for, because if you haven't noticed, I lead a team comprised a hair short of entirety by the most lunatic collection of fuckasses and shitsponges ever assembled, and my time is in no small demand for being wasted-"  
Rose rolled her eyes and left, leaving Karkat to continue shouting by himself in the disarrayed lab.

* * *

Thanks! Please don't forget to review and tell me what you thought, good or bad!


	2. Eridan: Feel like shit

Here's #2~

Main character now stepping in. So exciting~

I've kept the characterization and pesterlogs within the bounds of what I feel is acceptable. Please don't hesitate to PM me or review with any questions you may have about anything at all.

That's it, I'll let you get on with it now!

**CENOTAPH**

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Eridan felt like shit.  
It wasn't all that surprising, really. This fucked-up meteor was barely inhabitable at best, and he'd spent the last three days not only trying to pick up the emotional pieces of his splintered life, but also find an area in the underlevels that would suit his new purposes.  
He thought he'd succeeded at both.  
Mostly.  
At the moment, his sense of accomplishment was thoroughly stifled by the muck that covered him from horn to heel.  
As it turns out, crawling, climbing, squeezing, and at times swimming through the abandoned sublevels of the meteor had a tendency to ruin one's appearance.  
To make matters worse, his right leg was kind of torn apart. Not to be melodramatic or anything, but it the flesh and muscle had been torn right down to the bone in some places. The putrid black muck, mixed with greasy machine oil from the maintenence crawlways, mingled with his violet blood and soaked his leg from the mid-thigh down. It was dripping down, congealing in sludgy tendrils on the rungs of the ladder, but he barely noticed.  
Ignoring the excruciating pain from his leg, and trying not to imagine what the unspeakable mixture of greasy chemicals (and... sewage?) were doing to his injury, Eridan pulled himself up the last rungs of the ladder and out the ceiling hatch, dragging his hard-won bundle up with him. He barely managed to clutch the steel edge of the gantry and pull himself up, collapsing onto its freezing, dirty surface. Next to him was the cloth-wrapped bundle he'd gone so far down to retrieve, and but it lay forgotten for the moment.  
Gritting his teeth, Eridan tore his scarf free of his neck and knotted it as tightly as he could around his thigh, winding its (not ridiculous at all!) length down his leg as a bandage. Even with the full might of his strength as a highblood, he struggled to pull himself to his feet and drag the bundle behind him, down the gantryway and into a hallway. Down this wing, he knew, was a transportalizer that could take him back to his quarters...  
Eridan's vision blurred, and he fought off nausea, hoping he could remain conscious until he got back.

**-caligulasAquarium [CA] has begun trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]-**

CA: o my gog kan  
GA: Is Something Awry Ampora  
GA: It Was My Assumption You Were Far Too Busy To Conduct Yourself With Your Teammates For The Time Being  
CA: wwhat  
CA: nevver mind that this is important kan  
CA: so you knoww the last patrol that wwent to check on the vventilation control machinery  
GA:Yes Of Course It Was The First One To Have Both Humans And Trolls Collaborate On Patrol  
GA: Actually It Might Have Been The Only One Given Our Respective Sleep Cycles  
CA: right wwhatevver and you knoww howw they found that wweird grist machine but had no idea wwhat the fuck it did  
GA: I Vaguely Recall Something Pertaining To It  
GA: But What Does This Have To Do With  
GA: Not To Be Rude But  
GA: Anything  
CA: wwell i wwas thinkin it wwould be useful if someone wwent dowwn there and fucked wwith it a bit  
CA: maybe see wwhat it wwas for  
GA: Its A Reasonable Idea I Suppose But Going That Deep Into The Underlab Is Fairly Dangerous  
GA: Even The Patrols Rarely Venture That Far Down  
GA: So I Suspect It Is An Excursion That Will Never Take Place  
CA: yeah i figured that wwas the deal  
CA: so i wwent and did it myself  
CA: guess wwhat  
CA: i knoww wwhat it does  
GA: Wait Really  
GA: Eridan Thats Actually Rather Impressive  
GA: The Underlevels Are Dangerous Even For God Tier Players  
CA: yeah tell me about it  
CA: some really wweird imps and shit dowwn there  
CA: this clawwed one damn near took my leg off  
CA: actually on a related note could i ask a favvor kan  
CA: i need a neww scarf  
GA: I Could Certainly Manage A New Scarf For You If You Wished  
GA: Actually Why Are You Talking To Me At All  
GA: It Was My Impression You Never Had Much Patience For  
GA: Well  
GA: Anyone  
GA: Land Dwellers In Particular  
CA: yeah dont freak out or anythin but i dont mind talkin to you kan  
CA: i mean evveryone says you meddle an shit but i havvent evver had any problems just tellin you wwhats up  
CA: so you wwere the first choice to come to wwhen all this wwent an happened  
GA: Are You Badly Injured  
CA: not really  
CA: the main casualty wwas my scarf  
CA: i managed to get back to my quarters anywway  
CA: not sure howw im goin to get this shit back to hq  
CA: anywway thats not the point  
CA: the machine isnt an alchemization tool  
CA: its a grist generator  
GA: Thats A Thing  
CA: i knoww right but thats wwhat it does  
CA: you throww in the kinda grist you wwant an powwer it wwith somethin  
CA: and it pumps the stuff out like nepeta does wwith her wweird roleplay shit  
GA: Eridan If This Is True This Is A Monumental Discovery  
GA: Did You Try It Yourself  
CA: yeah but its broken noww  
CA: jammed up an started spewwin out its owwn parts  
CA: i only got a bit of shale and tar ad shit before it wwent out  
CA: i brought the bit i thought wwas broken up i think equius should try an repair it  
GA: Excellent  
GA: You Should Report This To Karkat Immediately  
CA: actually kan i wwas hopin you could do that  
CA: i gotta stop this bleedin  
CA: ill troll you again later  
CA: see ya kan  
GA: Ill Do So At Once  
GA: Wait  
GA: Bleeding  
GA: Eridan Are You Ok Is Something Wrong

**-caligulasAquarium [CA] has ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]-**

* * *

Gasp.


	3. A Correspondence Most Obligatory

Bam.

Hope you like it, because it's not gonna stop updating. I know you're reading this. I can seee the traffic.

Review now to recieve your FREE (!) copy of the Sburb Beta in a two-disc collector's edition! Truefact.

**CENOTAPH**

**Chapter 3**

* * *

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has begun trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-**

GA: Hello Karkat I Have Rather Incredible News  
CG: WHAT IS IT?  
CG: IT BETTER NOT BE ABOUT THE RAINBOW DRINKER BULLSHIT AGAIN. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT ROMANCE NOVELS ON DUTY, MARYAM. MAYBE SOMETIME OVER BREAK.  
GA: Its Not That  
GA: Its Eridan  
CG: AMPORA? WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK DID HE TELL YOU?  
GA: Well He Ventured Into The Underlevels By Himself Apparently  
GA: It Appears He Identified The Peculiar Device Found By The Patrol A While Back  
CG: OH, IS THAT ALL? WHAT WAS IT?  
GA: He Maintains That Its A Grist Generator  
GA: Is That A Thing  
CG: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?  
CG: DOES IT WORK?  
GA: Apparently It Broke Shortly After He Discovered It  
GA: He Did Retrieve The Damaged Portion Of The Machine  
CG: WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED. IT DOES APPEAR THAT ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA DID SOMETHING THAT DID NOT INVOLVE BEING A NOOKSNIFFING PILE OF SELF-SORRY SHIT-FOR-BRAINS.  
CG: IF IT TURNS OUT THAT I WAS WRONG, WHICH I ALMOST UNDOUBTEDLY AM, YOU HAVE FULL PERMISSION TO HIT ME IN THE PROTEIN CHUTE WITH ONE OF GAMZEE'S HORRIBLE NARCOTIC-LACED PIES.  
GA: Understood I Will Do So If The Occasion Arises  
CG: EXCELLENT WORK. GOG, IF EVERYONE ON THIS GOGFORSAKEN PIECE OF SHIT METEOR COULD TAKE SOME SANITY LESSONS FROM YOU, WE'D HAVE NOIR DEFEATED IN A MATTER OF HOURS.  
CG: NOW TELL ERIDAN TO GIVE THE BROKEN THING TO EQUIUS FOR REPAIR.  
GA: I Would  
GA: But It Seems He Is Currently Unavailable  
GA: Actually Im Becoming Rather Concerned  
GA: He Mentioned Something About Bleeding And An Injury Sustained In The Underlevels  
CG: FUCK. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN. THE SECOND AMPORA ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T QUALIFY HIM TO BE PLACED AT THE TOP OF THE ALL-TIME 5 DOUCHIEST FUCKLORDS IN THE HISTORY OF LOSERVILLE, HE STOPS RESPONDING TO HIS TROLLIAN AND PRESUMABLY BLEEDS OUT ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF HIS FUCKING RESPITEBLOCK.  
CG: WHATEVER.  
CG: GOOD WORK, MARYAM, YOU'RE DONE NOW.  
CG: I'LL SEND SOMEONE TO ERIDAN'S QUARTERS TO MAKE SURE HE'S ALIVE.  
CG: CONTACT EQUIUS AND TELL HIM TO GET READY FOR THE REPAIRING OF HIS CREEPY LIFETIME.  
GA: Do You Actually Know How To Get To His Respiteblock  
GA: His Quarters Are Rather Labyrinthine If I Recall  
GA: I Dont Think Even He Has Explored More Than A Small Portion Of Them  
CG: FUCK I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT. I'LL FIND SOMEONE THAT KNOWS. JUST GET EQUIUS READY TO REPAIR THE THING.  
GA: I  
GA: Yes  
GA: Alright

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-**

**-carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]-**

CG: FEFERI.  
CC: )(ey Karkat! 38D  
CC: Did I miss t)(e public searvice memo again or somefin?  
CG: NO, THIS IS ABOUT YOUR ASSHAT MOIRAIL.  
CC: 38?  
CC: Karkat I broke up wit)( -Eridan a w)(ale ago!  
CG: WHAT.  
CC: You didn't know about t)(at? -EV-ERYON-E knew about it!  
CG: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING.  
CC: W)(AL-E... I guess it just didn't orka out!  
CG: REALLY?  
CG: WHATEVER, WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS LATER. WHERE IS AMPORA'S RESPITEBLOCK?  
CC: I don't know, I )(aven't even TALK-ED to )(im since... u)(mm... I entered t)(e Medium! 38O  
CG: OGOG. FUCK. WHO ELSE KNOWS WHERE IT IS? PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE IT IS. PLEASE. THAT'S AN ORDER, PIEXES. AN IRREFUTABLE ORDER COMING FROM YOUR ESTEEMED LEADER THAT CANNOT BE CIRCUMVENTED, DENIED, NULLIFIED, REJECTED, IGNORED, DISOBEYED OR MADE VOID IN ANY WAY. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS. JUST TELL ME SOMEONE KNOWS HOW TO FIND ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA'S RESPITEBLOCK IN HIS STUPID QUARTERS ON THIS FUCK-ALL METEOR.  
CC: W)(y do you need to find it? 38/ Is somefin wrong?  
CG: APPARENTLY HE GOT INJURED BADLY, DOING THE FIRST USEFUL THING OF HIS MISERABLE EXISTENCE, I MIGHT ADD, AND WE DON'T KNOW IF HE'S OKAY OR IMITATING A CAVEBEAST-SKIN RUG AND LYING DEAD ON HIS FLOOR. KANAYA SAID HE WAS BLEEDING AND THEN STOPPED RESPONDING TO HIS TROLLIAN.  
CC: O)( MY COD!  
CC: Karkat t)(at's )(ORRIBL-E!  
CC: I'm coming to t)(e main lab!  
CG: DON'T BOTHER, HIS QUARTERS ARE THE SINGLE MOST CONFUSING EXCUSE FOR ARCHITECTURE SINCE THE STRIDER HUMAN AND THE MAYOR BUILT THAT CAN TOWN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY CALL IT.  
CG: JUST SIT TIGHT AND ASK AROUND, OK? I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO FROM MY END.  
CC: Ok... I'll sea w)(at I can do!  
CC: 38(  
CG: GREAT. NOW GET YOUR ASS INVESTIGATING!  
CC: 38O

**-carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]-**

* * *

Stay tuned.


	4. A Pale(?) Revelation

Here's the new chapter~

As always, please R&R with any criticism or advice you have for me. It's always great to know what you guys think of the story.

Bangarang.

**CENOTAPH**

**Chapter 4**

* * *

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has begun trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]-**

GA: Eridan Are You Okay  
GA: Why Were You Offline  
CA: wwhoa kan  
CA: yeah im alivve at least  
CA: wwhats wwrong since wwhen havve you trolled me  
GA: You Ceased Responding I Was Worried You Were Incapacitated  
CA: yeah wwell you got that right  
CA: i had to clean this wwound it wwas all covvered in sewwage an shit  
CA: damn wwell knocked me ovver  
CA: i barely got into my recuperacoon before i passed out  
CA: howw long has it been  
GA: Nearly Five Hours  
GA: There Is An Emergency Patrol Attempting To Locate Your Quarters  
CA: holy shit really  
GA: Yes And I For One Do Not Appreciate Your Failure To Communicate With Me  
GA: I Mean Our Team  
CA: kan i-  
GA: I Have Already Notified Karkat Of Your Awakening  
GA: He Is Understandably Irate  
GA: You Should Expect To Be Contacted By Him Shortly I Imagine  
CA: sorry i didnt mean to wworry anybody  
CA: i mean  
CA: i didnt think anyone wwoulda noticed evven if i died to be honest  
CA: kinda alwways been a tool to evveryone  
GA: Speaking Of Which  
GA: What Has Gotten Into You Lately Eridan  
GA: Your Behavior Has Been Distinctly Different Than The Troll I Remember  
GA: Are You There  
CA: sorry i wwas changin out this uh bandage  
CA: yeah  
GA: And You Have Just Highlighted One Of These Aforementioned Changes Yourself  
GA: Since When Have You Ever Apologized For  
GA: Well  
GA: Anything  
CA: wwhoa kan calm dowwn  
CA: i guess wwhen fef broke up wwith me i wwent kinda crazy  
CA: started wwantin to cull evverybody just to make it all go awway  
CA: wwhich wwasnt really much different from wwhat i used to be like but you get the idea  
CA: an suddenly i just kinda realized  
CA: i hated myself just as much as they did  
CA: an i may be a tool but im not pathetic kan  
CA: if theyre gonna hate me  
CA: i wwant it to be because theyre scared of me you knoww  
GA: I Suppose  
GA: I Understand  
GA: Which Is Surprising Actually  
CA: wwhat wwhy  
GA: I  
GA: Dont Really Know  
GA: Anyway I Have To Go  
GA: I Will Troll You Later Eridan  
GA: In The Meantime Karkat Says To Get Your Act Together And Get Equius The Broken Thing  
CA: really  
CA: that doesnt sound like kar at all  
GA: That Was The Abridged Version He Made Use Of Some Rather Colorful Syntax I Find Pointlessly Combative  
CA: ok cool  
CA: talk to you later kan  
GA: Goodbye Eridan

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]-**

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has begun trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-**

GA: Karkat I Require Your Immediate Assistance  
CG: DEAR FUCKING GOG KAN, WHAT IS IT?  
CG: DON'T TELL ME ANOTHER ONE OF OUR FRIENDS SUSTAINED A LIFE THREATENING INJURY IN THE PROCESS OF EXPLORING A LITTLE-KNOWN REGION OF THE METEOR, AND DISCOVERED SOME FUCKING HITHERTO UNBELIEVABLE TECHNOLOGY THAT WILL TURN EVERY ONE OF US INTO SELF-PROTOTYPED FREAKS SO WE CAN ALL HAVE A LUNATIC PARTY TOGETHER.  
GA: No Its Definitely Not That  
CG: WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, UNLESS YOU THINK IT MATTERS TO, YOU KNOW, THE GAME WE'RE PLAYING FOR THE FATE OF NOT ONLY OUR SURVIVAL, BUT THAT OF OUR RACE AND TWO UNIVERSES, THEN IT CAN WAIT UNTIL BREAK.  
GA: I  
GA: Yes Very Well  
GA: I Will Troll You Shortly Then  
GA: Goodbye Karkat  
CG: SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-**

* * *

**-carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]-**

CG: SO, TELL ME WHAT ALL THIS FUSSING IS ABOUT  
CG: I MEAN JEGUS MARYAM I KNOW IT'S YOUR SPECIALTY BUT SERIOUSLY  
CG: I HOPE IT WASNT ACTUALLY WHAT I SAID EARLIER  
CG: DID ANOTHER ONE OF OUR FRIENDS ACTUALLY DO THAT  
GA: No Its  
GA: Its About Eridan  
CG: AGAIN WITH AMPORA? JEGUS JUST LET IT GO MARYAM.  
CG: WE ALL KNOW THE GUY'S AN ASSHOLE BUT HE'S NOT DEAD SO WE DON'T REALLY NEED TO GIVE HIM THE PRIVILEGE OF PAYING EVEN THE SLIGHTEST AMOUNT OF ATTENTION TO HIM MORE THAN WE EVER HAVE.  
GA: Hes Changed Karkat He Isnt Like That Anymo  
GA: Ellipses  
CG: WHAT.  
GA: I Suppose This Is What I Wanted To Talk To You About Anyway  
GA: Karkat I Think  
GA: I May Be  
GA: Pale  
GA: For Him  
CG: SWEET JEGUS, ARE YOU SERIOUS. THIS HAS GOT TO BE YOUR FIRST ATTEMPT AT A JOKE. KANAYA, YOU KNOW WHAT, I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE BEYOND HOPE, BUT IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, YOU COULD HAVE THE STRIDER HUMAN DOUBLED OVER, LAUGHING HIMSELF INTO HYSTERIA. AND IF YOU EVER START YOUR OWN COMEDY TROUPE, I WILL PERSONALLY ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT IT WAS I WHO BORE WITNESS TO YOUR FIRST PRODIGAL JEWEL AS IT CAME FORTH FROM THE HIDDEN CAVERN OF YOUR PROPHETIC JOKE REPOSITORY.  
GA: Karkat I Assure You I Am Being Entirely Serious  
GA: I Am Not Completely Sure  
GA: As I Was Never Pale For Anyone Before  
GA: Not Truly At Least  
GA: Even My Moirallegience With Vriska Had Ulterior Motives  
CG: SHIT, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.  
CG: IF YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE PALE FOR ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CONVINCE ME BEFORE I GIVE YOU ANY OF MY FAMOUS ROMANTIC ADVICE. WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS AN AMAZING DEAL, BECAUSE I AM PRACTICALLY THE GOD OF GIVING YOU POOR FUCKS ROMANTIC ADVICE. IT'S WHY I NEVER GOT TO GOD TIER, BECAUSE I SECRETLY SNUFFED IT IN THE QUEST COCOON IN THE LAND OF ROMCOMS AND COUNSELING.  
GA: Uh Right  
GA: Well  
GA: We Have Talked In The Past With Minimal Conflict  
GA: Which As I Understand It Is Something Of An Achievement With Eridan  
GA: But When He Disappeared I Found Myself More Concerned Than I Had Right To Be Over Anyone But Rose  
GA: And When He Returned I Was Relieved  
CG: KANAYA...  
GA: But Then He Elucidated The More Obtuse Facts Of His Injury And I Just  
GA: Thought About How Sad It Was  
CG: JEGUS MARYAM HOLD YOUR SHIT  
GA: That He Was Unconscious By Himself In A Maze Of Metal Where Even His Teammates Didnt Know How To Find Him  
GA: He Didnt Even Think Anyone Would Notice If He Was Gone Karkat  
GA: And I  
GA: I Just  
GA: Pity Him  
CG: KANAYA!  
CG: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT IS ENOUGH, GET A PILE.  
CG: WHEN I SAID I WANTED YOU TO CONVINCE ME I DIDN'T NEED A FEELING VOMIT ALL OVER MY SWEATER.  
CG: WHICH BY THE WAY IS VERY COMFORTABLE, THANK YOU FOR THAT.  
GA: Dont Mention It  
CG: MM. WELL, ANYWAY, I NOW BELIEVE YOU THAT YOU HAVE PALE FEELINGS FOR THE LARGEST ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF MEETING. BY THE WAY YOUR REASONABLE PERSON CLUB SANITY CARD IS BEING CONFISCATED, AND YOU'RE ON PROBATION. THE CHARGE IS ASSOCIATING CLOSELY WITH A KNOWN FUCKASS. I'LL GIVE YOUR CARD BACK WHEN I'M SURE YOU'RE SANE AGAIN.  
CG: YOU'RE WELCOME.  
GA: Yes Ok  
GA: What About Eridan  
GA: Am I Really  
CG: FUCK, YES, YOU'RE PALE FOR HIM.  
CG: BREAK OUT THE DIAMOND FLAGS AND SEND UP THE SMOKE SIGNALS PEOPLE. KANAYA FUCKING MARYAM HAS MANAGED TO FILL YET ANOTHER QUADRANT WITH A BIZARRE EXCUSE FOR A LIVING BEING. FIRST THE ROSE HUMAN AND NOW AMPORA, FUCK. WHAT'S NEXT, KANAYA? AN AUSPISTICE BETWEEN THE MAYOR AND NOIR? THAT ONE MIGHT BE OUT OF EVEN YOUR LEAGUE, SO MIGHT WANT TO GIVE IT MORE THOUGHT BEFORE THE ALL-CLEAR.  
GA: Karkat I Would Appreciate Your Civility In This Matter  
CG: FUCK, SORRY.  
GA: Anyway I Have Uncertainty As To Whether These Feelings Will Even Get That Far  
CG: FUCK. YEAH I SEE YOUR POINT. IF THIS WERE ANYONE ELSE I WOULD TELL THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. BUT THIS IS YOU, MARYAM. JUST DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO AND TROLL ME WHEN YOU'VE HANDLED IT ALL. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS  
CG: BUT I THINK YOU CAN DO IT.  
GA: Wait Really  
GA: Youre Not Going To Discourage Me From Confessing Or Anything  
CG: WOULD THAT REALLY MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL?  
GA: Not Really  
GA: I Just Thought  
GA: Well  
GA: Thank You Karkat  
GA: Your Endorsement For Lack Of A Better Term Means A Lot To Me  
GA: I Suppose Im Going To Go Now  
GA: Ill Troll You If I Need You  
CG: FEEL FREE. I'LL KEEP A WINDOW FOR YOU OPEN ON THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF A COMPUTER SCREEN.  
GA: But Youll Be On Duty  
CG: THEN YOU BETTER NOT TELL ANYONE, HUH? JEGUS.  
GA: Jegus Indeed  
GA: Thank You Karkat  
CG: DON'T MENTION IT. SERIOUSLY.  
GA: Yes Indeed  
GA: Talk To You Later  
CG: GOOD LUCK, MARYAM  
CG: GOG KNOWS YOU'LL FUCKING NEED IT.

**-carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]-**

* * *

I'll see you next update, which should be in a day or two!


	5. Sky of Diamonds

Helloo again~

My apologies for the longer update time than normal. I've been experimenting with longer chapter lengths and this was a part of it, but mostly it was me being distracted by Halloween and videogames. And candy. And videogames. As usual.

Anyhow, I'll let you get on with it, shall I?

**CENOTAPH**

**Chapter 5**

* * *

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]-**

GA: Eridan  
GA: There Is Something I Need To Discuss With You  
GA: Can I Come Over  
CA: wwhoa holy shit kan wwhy do you nevver just say hello  
CA: an wwhere the fuck did this come from no one has evver been ovver here  
GA: My Apologies  
GA: It Is However A Matter Of Fair Importance  
GA: Also I Would Personally Appreciate Your Cooperation In Resolving It  
CA: you knoww wwhat youre askin kan  
CA: i mean no one else has been allowwed in my quarters  
CA: theyre dangerous as fuck really  
CA: not to mention evveryone else wwould probably just make fun a me  
GA: It Was Not My Intention To Make You Feel Uncomfortable Eridan  
GA: Or Ridicule You For That Matter  
CA: wwell i guess if anyone wwould be cool about it you wwould  
CA: so  
CA: wwhy not  
CA: ill send you a map in a bit ivve got some stuff to do in the meantime  
CA: actually maybe i should come an brin you back here  
GA: Eridan Please  
GA: I Am More Than Capable Of Taking Care Of Myself  
CA: alright alright jegus see ya in a couple hours kan  
GA: Yes  
GA: Indeed  
GA: I Appreciate It  
CA: no problem i guess

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]-**

_jegus fuck wwhat am i doin_  
Eridan dragged himself from his chair, looking around his "hive" in dismay. His respiteblock was located in part of his quarters nearest the central lab, but was still fairly distant. No transportalizer could access it directly from the public area, and the fastest way there he knew was through two transportalizers and a fifteen-foot drop through a segment of ceiling that was torn out.  
His respiteblock itself was quite large, of course, but it was also a disaster of empty Faygo bottles, discarded dirty clothing, random bits of furniture that had been alchemized wrong, and the stacks of papers and experimental wands that all seemed so trivial now. Nearer to his recuperacoon were the deep violet stains of his own blood, which he had yet to clean off the metal floor.  
Cursing, Eridan limped across his cavernous room, barely able to put any pressure on his wounded leg, and started throwing the garbage and random shit into a large pile.  
_fuckfuckfuck wwhy havvent i cleaned up kan is gonna think im such a slob_

* * *

Rose entered the door's fourteen-digit password with one hand and in three seconds. As soon as she stepped into her and Kanaya's private quarters, she couldn't help but smile.

Clothes were strewn across everything. Haphazardly draped over the back of the couch, covering the workstations, even one dress dangling from the out-of-place crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. The floor was almost carpeted in gowns, robes, dresses, everything from casual outfits to something that Rose would expect to see at a formal ball. She picked her way through the mess toward the walk-in closet, where clothes were being flung from by the minute.  
"Alright, Kanaya, red or black?" She asked, giggling.  
Her girlfriend's face was visible for a brief moment, flushed jade in embarrassment, before retreating into the closet again.  
"I don't know what you're talking about," Kanaya said stiffly.  
"The last time I saw this much fabric around the room, we were preparing for our first date," Rose sighed, picking up a couple choice pieces and starting to fold them. "So why are you so nervous, dear?"  
Kanaya emerged from the closet, still a little flushed with that beautiful jade. She avoided Rose's gaze, trying to hide a rare smile.  
"I can never hide anything from you, can I?" She asked.  
"You were trying?" Rose smirked.  
Kanaya stepped forward and brushed a strand of hair from Rose's face gently.  
"It is custom to keep quadrants very much separate from each other, but I suppose seeing as every remaining living member of my species lives more or less together, this is no longer possible," she sighed.  
Rose just raised her eyebrow.  
"Red," Kanaya said shortly.  
"Well, through my rather intimate knowledge of your own filled quadrants, and the process of elimination, I infer that you've found yourself waxing pale for some lucky friend of ours?" Rose said, smiling.  
"Pale, yes," Kanaya admitted, fidgeting. "Friend... not exactly."

**-caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]-**

CA: key kan howws it goin  
GA: Greetings Eridan  
GA: I Suppose It Is Going Alright  
CA: cool sounds good  
CA: im sendin you the map noww  
-caligulasAquarium [CA] sent grimAuxiliatrix [GA] the file -  
GA: Excellent  
CA: also kan id appreciate it if this didnt find its wway into a memo  
GA: Of Course Eridan  
GA: Actually I Am Beginning To Wish My Own Quarters Were Similarly Protected From The Eyes Of Our Teammates  
CA: wwhat wwhy  
GA: Its Not Important Right Now  
GA: Uh  
GA: Is This Really How You Navigate To Your Respiteblock  
CA: hey i nevver thought anyone else wwould be ovver here ok  
CA: actually kan wwhy do you wwant to see my respiteblock at all  
GA: Because I  
GA: Uh  
GA: Because Shut Up  
GA: Shut Up Is Why  
CA: wwhoa kan sorry my bad  
GA: I Apologize Its Just That I Would Rather Tell You In Person  
GA: As It Is A Matter Of Some Significance  
CA: if you say so  
CA: see ya in a bit i guess  
GA: Yes I Shall Be Over Shortly  
GA: I Will Contact You If Anything Unexpected Arises

**-caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]-**

* * *

Kanaya, for all her bravado, was actually quite thankful for Eridan's map. The corridor she was following wound confusingly through a mostly-collapsed segment of the the surface of the meteor. Most of the adjoining chambers were either a chaotic mess of computer equipment or eerily empty passageways leading off to separate wings of the laboratory. The entire facility was bone-chillingly cold, as if all the heat was being leeched from the walls themselves.  
On top of all that, it was dark.  
Kanaya knew from experience that a human would be hard-pressed not to walk straight into the walls, but trolls were far better adapted to the dark, nocturnal predators as they were. She was careful to glance across each intersection, examine every faint spark of light in the distance, to ensure no game-constructed enemies took her by surprise. So far, the only ones she'd seen were a couple imps, but they were far-off enough that she passed without notice.  
There came a few instances where she questioned the trustworthiness of Eridan's instructions. The first time, the map had told her to lift and crawl through a ventilation grate so encrusted with crystalized engine coolant that Kanaya had searched for nearly ten minutes, without luck, to find an alternate route.  
When she finally arrived at her destination, she nearly walked past it. Hidden in a tiny, cramped alcove and obscured by rubble from the collapsed room nearby, stood a nondescript metal door.  
It was heavy-duty, a lab-safety door built to withstand significant punishment. The only thing setting it apart from the countless others of its kind was Eridan's sign, the Aquarius zigzag, spray-painted onto the dull surface in faded purple.  
Kanaya checked the map one last time before pocketing her palmhusk. She peeked out into the hallway, checking for movement just to be prudent, and then opened the door.  
Inside was a simple one-way transportalizer. She stepped onto it with no small amount of trepidation, which surprised her.  
_I'm feeling...nervous,_ Kanaya realized.  
Before she could change her mind, she tapped the transportalizer twice with her foot, and in a flash of colorless light, the tiny alcove vanished.

An unobtrusive beep sounded in the darkness, and then the rest of the world materialized in a flickering sort of methodical rendering, until Kanaya was once again standing in an almost-cramped alcove. This time, however, the door was open wide, and a strange light shone through.  
It's now or never, I suppose, she thought, inwardly shrugging.  
Kanaya stood in the closet just a brief moment longer before stepping into the respiteblock.  
The first thing she noticed was that it was far larger than she'd expected. This single space was almost as large as her entire quarters, which were linked with Rose's through their respiteblock. It resembled the human airport terminal Rose had once shown her in a pesterlog, with balconies and overhangs wrapping around each other, overlooking several other levels. Stairs connected them all, and the smooth steel was complemented by the dull velvet carpeting that added to the feeling of opulence. Actual, live plants grew in various mismatched containers, from oil cans to a massive earbeast skull. Occasionally, one had been replaced by a distasteful statue of a shell or anchor, which Kanaya supposed would befit a nautically themed troll such as oh gog there was no ceiling.  
Above the entire terminal, there should have been only tangled pipes, wire, and a splattering of venilation grates. Instead, the burning blackness of space was dusted with a starscape so clear and unfiltered that it took a moment for Kanaya to realize there was a ceiling after all; a glass canopy that must have been the only skylight of its kind in the incipisphere.  
Feeling remarkably out of place, the jade-blooded troll wandered around the finery for several minutes without sign of Eridan. Though she'd never admit it, the view was distracting even after she thought she'd become accustomed to life under the stars.  
"Eridan?" She called gently, wincing as her voice echoed around the cavernous terminal.  
There was a weak reply from somewhere above her, so she turned and started up the closest flight of stairs.  
Several landings above her, where one of the wraparound balconies met a wall, was inset a heavy steel double-door. As Kanaya neared it, she saw light peeking out from under it, accompanied by the strangest of bubbling noises.  
"Eridan?" She called again, a little more uncertainly.  
After a moment, the door opened, and limping out, carrying several bottles of soda, came the object of her pale affections, looking quite haggard.  
"Oh, hey there kan," Eridan said, a little sheepishly. His face was cut across one cheek almost to his gill, the wound matching his violet eyes. Unusually for royalty, and even more so for Eridan, he was wearing a subtle ensemble of grey and purple that made it hard to see the extent of his injuries.  
But then Kanaya saw his leg.  
Wrapped heavily in black cloth but unable to hide the odd way he carried it, the wound was instantly betrayed to Kanaya as fairly severe. She was impressed he could even stand unaided.  
"Oh, uh, greetings, Eridan," Kanaya managed, trying to look casual.  
"Yeah, sorry, I know it looks bad," the seadweller said, noticing her inspection.  
"No, it's... fine. Anyway, what are you carrying?" Kanaya said, trying to recover as she followed Eridan across a walkway.  
"Well I wasn't really expectin ya, but I thought ya might want a drink or somethin while you're here, ya know?" Embarrassed, Eridan held out one of the Faygo bottles to Kanaya.  
She took it reluctantly, reading the label.  
"That one's Black Cherry, but I got about twelve other ones if it's a no-go," he said.  
"I suppose you got these from Gamzee?" Kanaya said, smiling.  
"No, I got this alchemizing vat brewing it up," Eridan replied. He led Kanaya across another walkway and down a flight or two of stairs, toward the floor of the terminal.  
"You have your own alchemiter?" She asked.  
"Yeah of course... is that not a thing or something?" Eridan asked, stopping.  
"No, it's rather impressive you had the grist for it... Anyway, Gamzee might be interested in borrowing your facility; he has quite the liking for this particular... beverage."  
Eridan seemed not to notice Kanaya's persisting distraction by his skylight and continued down toward the segment of the floor that seemed to be his respiteblock.  
There was only one staircase leading down to it, and Kanaya could see it was mostly private from the rest of the terminal; various plants and sculptures kept it mostly out of view, and the walkways seemed to pull most of the attention up and away toward the skylight.  
In the center of the area was a circular pool of water, barely lapping at its metal rim. Along the wall were stacked several computer modules next to a workstation in the corner, which had a husktop and three monitors, all of which were turned off. Eridan's recuperacoon was set on the other wall.  
"It's not much but I guess it's home," he said, limping over to a large table by the stairs to set the bottles down.

* * *

**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-**

GA: Hello Karkat  
CG: SHIT ON A FUCKASS CRACKER. WHAT HAPPENED NOW, MARYAM?  
GA: Nothing I Am Now Inside Eridans Hive  
CG: WHAT, IS HE DEAD OR SOMETHING?  
GA: Away Briefly On A Chore Actually  
GA: I Am Feeling Rather  
GA: Trepidatious  
GA: Regarding This Entire Matter  
CG: IS THAT IT  
GA: Is That What  
CG: IS THAT ALL?  
CG: I MEAN, FOR GOGSAKE HERE MARYAM TURN IT THE FUCK UP.  
CG: DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY ROMCOMS I'VE WATCHED WHERE OUR FUCKING IDIOT OF A MAIN CHARACTER WAS FEELING PEACHY GREEN RIGHT BEFORE THE BIG REVELATION?  
CG: NO, YOU DON'T, BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU YET. NOW HOLD ON TO YOUR LACEY JADE UNDERSKIRTS AND PREPARE TO ABSORB THE SHOCKWAVE THAT WILL ACCOMPANY THIS ATOM BOMB THAT IS THE NUMBER.  
CG: **NONE.**  
CG: JEGUS, REALLY. I'M GLAD I CAN'T REVOKE YOUR SANITY CARD AGAIN, MARYAM, BECAUSE I'M BEGINNING TO SUSPECT YOUR PREVIOUS MEMBERSHIP WAS A CRUEL MISTAKE. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY NEED?  
GA: Please Do Enlighten Me Oh Glorious Leader  
CG: I APPRECIATE ALL THIS FLATTERY, BUT SERIOUSLY, FOR BASIC STUFF, YOU COULD TAKE A FEW LESSONS FROM NEPETA.  
GA: Really  
GA: Is She So Much Of An Authority That She Can Fill In For The Master Of Romance While He Is Otherwise Occupied  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, ACTUALLY. SOMETIMES I THINK SHE'S A LOST CAUSE, BECAUSE SHE'S CAVEBEAST-SHIT FUCKING INSANE, BUT HER SO-CALLED SHIPPING SHOWS SOME SURPRISING INSIGHT.  
GA: I See  
GA: I Am However Most Hesitant To Consult Anyone Else About This Matter Until It Is At Least Somewhat Resolved  
GA: It Would Be Most Inopportune If Word Of My Sultry Pale Throes Reached The Ears Of Certain More  
GA: Malicious  
GA: Compatriots  
CG: FUCK, GOOD POINT. IN ANY CASE, MARYAM, RIGHT NOW.  
GA: Yes  
CG: JUST FUCKING TELL HIM! I'VE HAD IT UP TO MY HORNS WITH MY TEAM PRETENDING THIS HELLHOLE OF A METEOR IS SOME KIND OF FUCKING PLAYGROUND FOR LUNATICS. EVERYONE'S BEEN BEATING AROUND THE PROVERBIAL BUSH WITH NOTHING BUT CHILDISH

"Sorry bout that kan, won't happen again," Eridan said, limping down the stairs.  
Kanaya hastily stowed her palmhusk, almost glad not to have suffered through another of Karkat's furious diatribes.  
"It's not a problem," she assured Eridan, as he struggled over to take a seat across the table from her, and palming a Faygo from atop it.  
"Anyway, what's all 'a this about, kan? I'd like to think I deserved some sorta explanation for the company." For the first time, it occurred to Kanaya how exotic Eridan's wavy accent sounded, but her fascination was put on a back burner as she processed the question.  
"Well, uh... We've...spoken before Sgrub, haven't we?" She asked, stalling. Suddenly, her previous determination seemed foolish. Sinking into the floor tiles seemed the more sensible path anyway. Kanaya had barely long enough to hope desperately she wasn't blushing furiously before Eridan replied, absentmindedly tossing his Faygo bottle from one hand to the other.  
"Yeah, of course. You were one 'a the only ones I talked to besides fef an vris." He looked a little sheepish at the words but didn't retreat, instead looking at her curiously.  
"Yes, well... while I may have enjoyed your confidence at that time, I have felt it is only recently I began to... understand you," Kanaya pushed on desperately, trying to keep the words coming because she knew if she faltered she was likely to stop altogether.  
"Uhhh..." Eridan glubbed, in mid-swig from his Faygo.  
"So... I suppose wh-what I'm trying to say," Kanaya winced at her stutter, "Is that your recent injury among other things has thrown into sharp relief, uh, shall we say... feelings that could otherwise have escaped my notice-"  
Eridan choked on his Faygo, spraying the soda across his part of the table.  
"WHAT!? Kan-"  
"Feelings that may be consistent with t-the... more... that-that is..." Kanaya fumbled almost to a stop, and blurted the rest out as fast as she could.  
"T-that...I'mpaleforyou!"  
Eridan's interruption had completely fallen off before she spoke, leaving the two of them in a grinding silence, staring at each other. The jade blush burning across Kanaya's face was matched slowly by Eridan's violet. After a moment, she averted her eyes, studying a steel tile in the floor without really seeing it at all.  
"Well... shit, Kan," Eridan said, finally breaking the silence. He screwed the cap back onto his Faygo but did not replace it on the table, instead turning it over slowly in his hands. "I guess this explains some...stuff."  
Kanaya glanced up long enough to see his embarrassment, then nodded miserably.  
Eridan noticed and hastily tried to steer the situation into less awkward waters.  
"Hey, don't look like that, Kan... I mean, everyone knows about my flushed thing with fef, right?"  
"I...well... Yes," Kanaya replied.  
"So don't get pissed if I fuck something up, yeah? 'Cause I haven't had much experience with this, not really." Eridan turned a brilliant shade of violet at his own words.  
Kanaya looked up, surprised. It took her several moments to process Eridan's words.  
"Eridan, are you...?" She began, then stopped herself at the look on his face. He looked uncertain for a moment longer, but started again anyway.  
"Uh. Well, even when I used to be tryin to kill all landdwellers, I was never gonna kill you, remember? Wait that sounded terrible forget that sorry-"  
"I- of course, but...what?" Kanaya interrupted, beginning to notice that she had no idea what was happening anymore. Fortunately, her thoughts were suddenly stopped altogether when Eridan thought for a moment and added:  
"I was tryin to say, I'm willin' to give it a shot if you are."

* * *

A stunning development! How will the others react to Eridan and Kanaya's relationship? Stay tuned!

Also, a quick notice: this next update shouldn't take nearly as long, but due to Thanksgiving and an upcoming paledate of my own, it might be a couple more days!


	6. Public Forum

Hey.

So yeah I've been busy with the whole legislacerator academy thing and a couple other works.

This chapter's longer than the others but didn't actually take me as long because it's mostly pesterlogs and the like... let me know what you think!

**CENOTAPH**

**Chapter 6**

* * *

**- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -**

TG: sup lalonde  
TG: ...  
TG: i said sup lalonde  
TT: My apologies, Mr. Strider.  
TT: I was in my office before our appointment, reviewing your portfolio, and the time simply flew by.  
TG: yeah ok whatever  
TG: and wow lalonde since when did you start roleplaying  
TG: i mean i knew you were fraternizing with the trolls pretty close nowadays but damn, you know?  
TT: Indeed. Since when did you start saying 'fraternizing?'  
TG: you caught me  
TG: i've been reading a dictionary before going to bed every night  
TG: and a thesaurus in the morning when i awake  
TG: in order to become one of the fierce alphabeticullers ere morrow's twilight  
TG: and also to make vituperative comments on your illicit affair with the alien seamstress  
TG: how is that by the way  
TT: ...  
TG: oh come on  
TG: my own sister is in a lesbian relationship with a vampire alien  
TG: there is no way i am leaving this alone  
TG: why, she's practically family at this point  
TG: in a strange convoluted way  
TG: actually damn that is pretty fucking weird now that i think about it  
TT: I suppose that's fair.  
TT: Kanaya and I are fine, thank you for asking.  
TT: Actually as of last night, she acquired a moirail.  
TT: At long last, I may add. I was beginning to worry about her; from what I understand, the troll psyche does not sustain itself upon merely the concupiscent quadrants alone.  
TG: wait what  
TG: thats the diamond one right  
TT: Yes.  
TG: huh  
TG: i guess that's cool  
TG: who's the lucky troll?  
TT: I believe one of the sea-dwellers.  
TT: Eridan.  
TG: the hipster one, really?  
TG: i mean i knew she had bad taste but damn, girl  
TT: Yes, thank you for that truly insightful piece of hilarity. Perhaps, late this evening, in a fit of retrospection most shocking, I shall comprehend this hidden slight against my person. My thoughts will turn, perhaps, to her quietly-breathing silhouette, and her body pressed against mine, and I will ponder your words in the dark stillness of our chambers for many a silent hour.  
TG: yeah now you're getting it lets get the xmas up in this bitch  
TG: not a creature was stirring all through the house  
TG: except for the imps they're running up and down the fucking thing like it's some sort of playground for lunatics  
TG: if we were to continue the metaphor they'd be throwing like cheese and shit  
TG: making holes in the walls to scamper through  
TG: being chased by the giant cartoon tomcat that is the daily patrols  
TG: a tomkat if you will  
TT: I think this one got away from you, Strider.  
TG: got away from me like a terrified scamperi  
TG: shit you're right  
TG: sweet catch lalonde  
TG: anyway i need to report to our glorious leader before patrol  
TT: Of course. You are most assuredly a paragon of teamwork and obedience.  
TG: you know me lalonde  
TG: anyway later  
TT: Until next time, Dave. Give Tavros my regards.

**- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -**

Rose sat staring at her monitor for several minutes after Dave signed off, but was quite careful not to actually ponder the statement about taste; the last thing she wanted to do was fall prey to his ironic sense of humor, even if it was all in good fun. In reality, she was thinking about Kanaya, and she privately admitted to herself that her choice in moirail was a little peculiar. She trusted her girlfriend- well, matesprit (she was beginning to learn the difference, but that's another issue)- but even with Kanaya's enthusiasm, something didn't feel resolved with the situation. It was insubstantial, distorted, and Rose couldn't even pin down the feeling, but something instinctual was acting as a warning signal.  
"But in conclusion, this will change nothing between us, except slightly rearranging my schedule," Kanaya had said, only hours before.  
"Thank you for your consideration, Kanaya," Rose had replied, a little impressed at the effort her girlf- matesprit- had put into the explanation. "But your reassurance, while appreciated, is unnecessary. I trust you, and I know you won't let this new relationship neglect our own."  
Kanaya smiled, obviously relieved.  
"Whatever have I done to deserve such an understanding partner?" Kanaya asked teasingly, slipping her arms around her from behind.  
"What makes you think you deserve me?" Rose said smugly, settling into the embrace comfortably.  
"I only wish I could have had the opportunity to watch you grow into the wonder you are now," the troll continued, her sigh catching Rose's hair slightly.  
"Oh? You would have watched me from your alternate dimension? Observed my growth from afar? Perhaps indulged your curiosity toward my unusual upbringing, all the while trolling me relentlessly?" Rose glanced over her shoulder at Kanaya, earning a gentle nuzzle in reply.  
"I wouldn't have been able to resist," the troll had whispered. "If only you children hadn't interrupted our rebellion with an interdimensional video game, I would have been free to watch your entire life unfold."  
"We would never have met," Rose replied gently.  
"Who knows," Kanaya replied defensively. "Perhaps we would have found our way into your session nonetheless. Instead we were treated to quite the surprise in our attempted coup."  
Rose had almost laughed, remembering.  
It was fortunate the trolls had managed to drop into the kids' session- apparently Sollux had discovered a hidden subroutine (which he humorously defined as "Sgrub") that allowed the convergence to take place. Karkat had described the situation in one of his subsequent outbursts as "A FUCKING MOBIUS DOUBLE REACHAROUND OF A CLUSTERFUCK."  
They stood like that for a long while, just breathing into each other and thinking of a different time.

* * *

**-carcinoGeneticist [CG] RIGHT NOW opened new memo on board Super Awkward Meteor Makeouts.-**

CG: OH MY FUCKING GOG CAPTOR, AGAIN?  
**-twinArmageddons [TA] RIGHT NOW began responding to memo-**  
TA: hehe. ii almo2t forgot about that.  
CG: ONE OF THESE DAYS WE'LL ENJOY A CONFERENCE BOARD FREE OF YOUR BULLSHIT AND MANAGE TO DISCUSS A UNIVERSE-THREATENING ISSUE WITHOUT YOU BEING A COMPLETE FUCKASS.  
CG: I GUESS UNTIL THEN WE'LL SUFFER THROUGH YOUR COMPLETE AND TOTAL LACK OF ANY NORMAL SENSE OF CIVILITY.  
TA: that'2 one way two do iit ii gue22  
TA: we all know you can't actually ban me or anythiing  
TA: 2o carry on a2 you 2ee fiit, 2upreme leader.  
CG: HOLY SHIT I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS WHOLE "LET'S SARCASTICALLY CALL KARKAT SUPREME LEADER AND HOPE IT BECOMES A THING" THING. IF ANY OF YOU NUTLOAFS HAD MY IMPECCABLE SENSE OF LEADERSHIP, YOU'D KNOW YOU'RE DOING NOTHING BUT VALIDATING MY COMMAND.  
CG: SO THANKS I GUESS.  
TA: woe betiide u2  
TA: al2o your leader2hiip or whatever miight be iimpeccable your alterniian need2 2ome work  
TA: nutloaf2 ii2 iincorrect, dumba22.  
CG: YOU KNOW I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH ALL THIS  
**-grimAuxillatrix [GA] RIGHT NOW began responding to memo-**  
GA: Karkat  
CG: ...  
CG: SHIT  
CG: WHATEVER CAPTOR  
CG: THANKS MARYAM  
GA: None Are Required  
CG: RIGHT  
CG: ANYWAY  
CG: BACK TO THIS SHITTY MEMO  
CG: I KNOW SOME OF YOU CAN'T BE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE BUSY DOING YOUR FUCKNG JOBS, WHICH BELIEVE IT OR NOT OCCASIONALLY IS A THING THAT HAPPENS. THAT'S FINE, YOU'LL READ THIS LATER.  
CG: YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE AWARE OF A DEVELOPMENT IN TEAM METEOR'S LATEST DISASTER.  
TA: ii fiixed the coffee maker  
CG: HOLY SHIT ON A FUCKASS CRACKER, NO. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOUR LACK OF REAL ACHIEVEMENT, YOU SELF-ABSORBED ASSWAD.  
CG: WHEN AMPORA WENT AND GOT HIMSELF MANGLED UP IN THE SUBLEVELS HE FOUND SOME BULLSHIT GRIST MACHINE.  
TA: ii2 2omeone el2e goiing two 2ay iit or 2hould ii  
**-arachnidsGrip [AG] RIGHT NOW began responding to memo-**  
AG: No way captor I got this one!  
AG: 8ULLSHIT!  
TA: hehe niice.  
**-centaursTesticle [CT] RIGHT NOW began responding to memo-**  
CT: D - I can corroborate with Ampora's discovery  
CT: D - Though I received but a piece of the drive feed sequencing, I am inclined to believe that it is indeed a portion of a machine intended to generate build grist  
AG: 8luh 8luh I'm a creepy muscle8east pervert 8luh.  
AG: What's the deal, then?  
AG: Why do I even 8other coming to these things if you're just going to talk a8out stupid 8oring wiggler shit?  
CG: JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE AND I'LL EXPLAIN.  
CG: THIS GRIST MACHINE IS THE BEST LUCK WE'VE HAD ON THIS BULLSHIT METEOR.  
CG: AND I'LL GUT MYSELF ON MY SICKLES BEFORE I SEE ONE OF YOU LUNATIC NOOKSNIFFERS RUIN WHAT COULD OTHERWISE BE OUR FIRST BREAK SINCE THE DEMON DESTROYED OUR SESSION.  
**-turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW began responding to the memo-**  
TG: yeah so this all sounds pretty slick  
TG: whats the plan candy horns  
CG: THE PLAN, YOU IGNORANT SACK OF HUMAN-TOMATO EXCREMENT, IS TO ROUTE PATROLS TO THE SUBLEVELS AND SECURE THAT MACHINE. AS OF RIGHT NOW, EVERY THIRD PATROL IS DOUBLED AND TO THAT SECTOR. SOLLUX WILL SEND YOU THE COORDINATES ONCE HE PULLS HIS DISGUSTING FACE OUT OF HIS NOOK.  
TA: ii'm 2elliing tiicket2 iif anyone want2 two watch  
TA: but not two karkat, ii don't want hiim gettiing two exciited when hii2 iimpeccable leader2hiip and poor language 2kiill2 are needed el2ewhere.  
AG: Hahaha! Oooooooooh, someone got 8urned!  
CG: FUCK YOU ALL. YOU KNOW SOMETIMES AT NIGHT, WHEN I'M ALONE, I PRAY TO WHATEVER RANK DEITY OF DESTRUCTION RESIDES OUT IN THE INCIPHISPHERE THAT YOU REALIZE THE DEPTHS OF YOUR OWN WORTHLESSNESS.  
CG: NOW, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY MORE TIME-WASTING BULLSHIT THEY FEEL THE NEED TO VOMIT ONTO THIS ABOMINATION OF A MEMO BEFORE I CLOSE IT AND DESTROY ALL RECORDS OF IT EVER EXISTING?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Well  
GA: Not Of The Time-Wasting Reguritative Variety More Of An Announcement I Suppose  
CG: BY ALL MEANS, MARYAM, THE FLOOR IS YOURS IF YOU CAN WIPE ALL OF THE SLIMY, PUTRID DETRITUS THIS GROUP OF IMBECILES SAW FIT TO LET OUT OF THEIR MISSHAPEN SKULLS.  
GA: Ill Do My Best But I Fear My Janitorial Duties Will Leave Much To Be Desired  
TA: heh.  
TA: maybe you can borrow a towel from eq  
GA: Yes That May Prove Necessary If The Memo Has Been Defiled To The Extent Described  
CT: D - I could provide one if it would hasten this di%ussion  
CG: FOR THE LOVE OF GOG, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DAY HAS COME WHEN I FINALLY AGREE WITH THIS LOSER.  
CG: SPIT IT OUT ALREADY, MARYAM.  
GA: I  
GA: As Of Today  
GA: Ellipses  
CG: FOR THE LOVE OF  
GA: Eridan And I Are An Item Of The Pale Variety  
GA: Wow  
GA: It Feels Surprisingly Relieving To Have That Off My Chest So To Speak  
CG: WHAT.  
TA: what.  
AG: What.  
CT: D - What  
**-cuttlefishCuller [CC] RIGHT NOW began responding to the memo-**  
CC: W)(AT.  
AA: interesting  
TA: no 2hiit  
TA: you and ed hooked up?  
**-arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased responding to the memo-**  
CC: W)(-EN DID T)(IS )(APP-EN? 8(  
GA: Last Night  
GA: Hooking Up Is Not What Transpired In Any Case  
GA: In Light Of Recent Events And Developments In Relations Between Us We Agreed To Bring To Light More Feelings Than Perhaps Had Previously Been Apparent  
GA: The Subsequent Change In Our Relationship Is Entirely Natural And Certainly Should Not Be Taken Offensively By Anyone  
**-arsenicCatnip [AC] RIGHT NOW began responding to the memo-**  
CT: D - I should hope not  
CT: D - For once a relationship on the meteor is within the boundaries of propriety, and I for one am grateful for this  
CT: D - I believe congratulations are in order  
AC: :33 wow kanaya this is so great! you and eridan will be purrrfect fur each other, i just know it!  
TA: no, you have two admiit thii2 ii2 a liittle weiird.  
CC: I'll say! -Eridan is like your opposite, Kanaya, I don't t)(ink you two aren't a good matc)( AT ALL!  
CC: And I don't t)(ink it's fair to put t)(ose kinds of expectations on )(im rig)(t now!  
**-tentacleTherapist [TT] RIGHT NOW began responding to the memo-**  
CG: IN THE NAME OF THE LOUDEST, MOST OUTRAGEOUSLY OBSCENE FUCKS EVER HEARD IN THIS OR ANY UNIVERSE, I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.  
CG: EVERYONE IGNORES THE COMPLETELY RELEVANT AND CRUCIAL TEAM BULLETIN  
CG: BUT THE VERY FUCKING MOMENT SHIPPING IS BROUGHT INTO THE MEMO  
CG: EVERY SAD FUCK IN PARADOX SPACE SUDDENLY HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR TIME THAN THROW THEIR FUCKING HAT INTO THE PROVERBIAL RING WITH THEIR OWN USELESS CRITICISM.  
TT: My apologies.  
TT: I am simply here to officially congratulate my matesprit, and to defend her decision with my own judgement.  
TT: You have my full support, dear.  
GA: Thank You Rose As Usual I Am In Awe Of Your Understanding  
GA: 3  
TT: 3  
**-tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to the memo-**  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.  
TA: haha yeah ii'm wiith nub2 here  
TA: thii2 ii2 2ome 2eriiou2ly weiird 2hiit  
TA: where even ii2 ed ha2 anyone 2een hiim 2iince he got hii2 leg torn off or whatever  
GA: His Leg Is Very Much Still Attached However It Will Require Rehabilitation  
GA: Exactly How Much I Am Unsure Being Fairly Unfamiliar With Seadweller Biology  
GA: I Will Report Back When I Know More  
CC: 8O !  
TA: oh my god kan that wa2 iincrediible  
TA: ii can't breathe  
CG: I'M ENDING THIS NOW, BEFORE ANYTHING EXPLODES FROM THE SANITY DEFICIT EVERY BULLETIN APPARENTLY SUFFERS FROM IN THIS GOGFORSAKEN TIMELINE.  
CG: EVERYONE WILL RECIEVE ADDITIONAL DATA WHEN THEY REPORT FOR PATROL, AND IF EVEN ONE OF YOU MISSES YOUR FUCKING BRIEFING I WILL HUNT YOU. THAT IS ALL.  
**-carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned everyone from responding to memo-**  
**-carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo-**

* * *

****Things are changing on the meteor... Tune in next time for more breath-bating moments, more heart-stopping dialogue, and more...CENOTAPH!


	7. At the Edges

Yeah so I totally was going to upload this on 4/13 but it just wasn't going to happen, sorry D:

And oh noes another megapause! T.T I promise to keep updating for the duration! Damn this is gonna suck, every hiatus should just die. Hiatuses? Hiatii? Something. It's okay. We can just hold fast together and keeping reading fanfiction, right? .

Anyway please review with whatever you think, good or bad! If you review the hiatus will end and your favorite pairing will suddenly become canon. True story.

*Disclaimer! Trigger Warning:* This chapter contains vague implications of yaoi content and self-harm. It's only going to get heavier from here on in. Sorry if you don't like it. Fucking deal.

**CENOTAPH**

**Chapter 7**

* * *

**-adiosToreador began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]-**  
AT: uH, dAVE, i WAS JUST WAITING FOR YOU,  
AT: aT, uH, oUR USUAL RENDEVOUX PLACE,  
AT: aND, i COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE, tHAT, uH,  
AT: sOMETHING WAS MISSING,  
AT: aND, uH, dAVE,  
AT: yOU ARE THE THING THAT IS MISSING, uH,  
AT: iT IS YOU,  
TG: yeah sorry bout that bro  
TG: i was up to my neck in tongue drubbings by an insane blind girl  
TG: i tried to escape but you know how it is  
TG: the more you struggle against the noose of justice the tighter it gets  
TG: you're lucky i'm here at all in all honesty i should have been slapped behind bars  
TG: all my past crimes finally caught up with me  
AT: uH, wAIT,  
AT: iF YOU COULD, uH, jUST PAUSE THE EXCESSIVELY FICTITIOUS BUT NONETHELESS IMAGINATIVE EXPLANATION,  
AT: uH, i'M SURE THERE IS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THIS, bUT, uH,  
AT: aRE, uH, yOU AND TEREZI,  
AT: a THING,  
TG: haha, well,  
TG: shit  
TG: between you and me, nitram, i seriously have no fucking idea  
AT: tHAT SOUNDS,  
AT: rATHER UNFORTUNATE,  
TG: not gonna lie bro its kinda the worst invention since that bullshit plastic thing that you use to keep bags of bread closed  
AT: fIRSTLY, uH, i THINK YOU MAY HAVE FAILED TO PROPERLY TIE IN YOUR METAPHOR AND THE SUBJECT OF YOUR ALLITERATION, uH,  
AT: wOW, i DON'T REALLY KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM,  
AT: aND UH, aLSO,  
AT: wHAT IS, bREAD,  
TG: it's like this weird spongy food you slice up and smear slime on before you eat it  
AT: tHAT SOUNDS, uH  
AT: nOT WEIRD AT ALL, aND MORE LIKE NORMAL FOOD, tHAN MOST THINGS HUMANS EAT,  
TG: psh maybe to your bizarre troll senses  
TG: i'm telling you, bread is some seriously weird shit  
AT: wELL, uH, iN ANY CASE,  
AT: uH, rEGARDLESS OF HOW, uH, wEIRD BREAD MAY OR MAY NOT BE,  
AT: i WOULD LIKE TO KNOW, uH, mAYBE WHEN YOU'LL BE HERE,  
TG: on my way right now, longhorns  
TG: just hold onto your bovine appendages for a couple minutes and we can begin this disaster of a patrol  
AT: uH, oKAY,  
AT: aND WAS THAT, uH, jAB AT MY ADMITTEDLY RATHER IMPRACTICAL HORNS, uH, a REFERENCE TO THAT, uH, tEXUS THING AGAIN,  
AT: oR AM I NOW READING TO MUCH, uH, iNTO THIS,  
TG: no you were cool  
AT: wELL IN THAT CASE, uH,  
AT: i SUPPOSE IT MAY HAVE BEEN, uH, cONSTRUED AS, pERHAPS,  
AT: a SWEET CATCH,  
AT: }:D  
TG: i don't know man... i'd be willing to call it square myself  
TG: but i'm gonna have to submit the case to the official sweet catch association for review  
TG: there'll be an investigation by the highest authority to see if that was in fact a sweet catch  
TG: they take into account forensic evidence and past history and all that shit  
TG: formulate a complete picture of the situation in order to make their executive decision  
AT: uH, wHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING ANYMORE,  
TG: so yeah bro i don't know, we'll just have to wait and see  
AT: uH, wOW,  
AT: tHAT WAS, tHE LARGEST, uH, tANGENT I HAVE EVER SEEN, pERHAPS,  
AT: lARGER EVEN, tHAN THE ONES THAT, uH, gAMZEE HAS BEEN KNOWN, tO MAKE,  
TG: bitches don't know dude  
TG: larger than any other tangent in the history of triangular geometry  
TG: the triangle ceases to exist its so thin its literally just a line now  
TG: a fucking long line  
TG: the convention staff were fired for allowing such a long line to form on the premises  
AT: tHIS IS, uH,  
AT: bEGINNING TO SOUND, sUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A, uH, rATHER STRICT SERIES, oF DIATRIBES,  
AT: }:D  
TG: now you're getting it  
TG: lay it out nitram  
AT: hAHA, mOST ASSUREDLY,  
AT: lISTEN UP, uH, bITCHES, yOU DON'T EVEN KNOW,  
AT: aPPROXIMATELY HOW LONG, tHIS LINE WILL GO,  
AT: gIVEN SOME SPACE, tHAT'S PROBABLY VERY, uH, gENEROUS,  
AT: bUT I DO, sO CLEAR YOUR THINKPAN FILLED WITH THAT GANGRENOUS,  
AT: uH, sTUFF,  
AT: sO ROUGH,  
AT: tHAT YOU'D BE FIRED,  
AT: bECAUSE, wE CAN'T HAVE A CONVENTION SO VERY, uH, wIRED,  
AT: aLTHOUGH, uH, aCTUAL WIRES ARE OKAY,  
AT: uH, bECAUSE THEY'RE, pRETTY NECESSARY,  
AT: tO RUN A CONVENTION, wITHOUT, uH, cATACLYSMIC POWER ISSUES,  
AT: jUST WATCH FOR, uH, sAFETY CONCERNS, sO WE WON'T NEED TISSUES,  
AT: bECAUSE ELECTROCUTION CAN MAKE YOU, uH, pRETTY SAD,  
AT: iN ADDITION, uH, tO MAKING YOU, uH, dEAD,  
AT: oR AT LEAST RATHER GRIEVOUSLY, wOUNDED,  
AT: uH, pAST THE POINT WHERE IT CAN BE, cOMPUTED,  
AT: sO DON'T DELIBERATELY, uH, oVERLOOK,  
AT: aNYTHING THAT COULD BE, uH, sEEN, bY THE BOOK,  
AT: tO BE A HAZARDOUS BREACH, oF, pOLICY,  
AT: oR I'LL SCHOOL YOU SEVERELY, uH, aBOUT THE CONTROVERSY,  
AT: dESPITE MY SEEMING, cOMPLETE PARALYSIS,  
AT: i HAVE ROBOT LEGS, sO, uH, i'LL KICK ALL YOUR ASSES,  
AT: }:D  
AT: uH,  
AT: dAVE, aRE YOU, uH, tHERE,  
TG: what just happened

Even while walking along a chill railing, the only thing that separated him from a very black oblivion, Dave was never anything but relieved when he thought of their situation. Every night during the game, the nightmares of his Bro and his death had left him in a frreezing sweat without fail. Finding the meteor so different from their apartment was greater relief than he had expected. Or deserved, not that anyone looking at his resolute facade would guess. That was one of the perks to being Dave Strider.  
He totally never sighed sadly or caught himself staring into space, either, because he was way too cool for-  
What the fuck, no one's even around, Dave stopped suddenly on the gantry, leaving his hand to rest on the pitted metal railing until the heat leeched from his fingers.  
Why does it always feel like we're running.  
If he didn't hurry Tavros would call in his absence.  
Why do I always feel like I'm being chased by something.  
They'd probably send people to look for him, and he'd have to put up with hours of lecturing.  
What the fuck am I so scared of?

Dave slowly started walking again, trailing his freezing hand from the railing. He'd left it there long enough to grow numb with the cold; even the back of his neck prickled and he shivered slightly. His fingers felt tingly and hurt as they started to warm up.  
He hoped it never stopped.

* * *

**-twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-**  
TA: kk  
TA: hey kk  
TA: ...  
TA: waiit are you actually not on?  
TA: you're alway2 on.  
TA: liike, you're liiterally alway2 onliine and workiing.  
TA: what ii2 happeniing now ii don't even...  
CG: HOLY SHIT CAPTOR, WHAT.  
TA: there you are  
TA: jegu2 what wa2 that  
CG: THAT WAS ME DOING SOMETHING THAT'S COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, AND UTTERLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU NOSY INCOMPETENT FUCK.  
TA: whoa kk calm iit down.  
TA: ii'm pretty much the mo2t competent per2on on thii2 2lagpiile, anyhow.  
CG: UGH, I KNOW.  
CG: SORRY, I KNOW I'M A FUCKING HORRIBLE PERSON FOR TAKING MY IRRITATION OUT ON YOU. IT'S INEXCUSABLE HOW MUCH OF A MISERABLE LEADER I'M STARTING TO BECOME.  
TA: yeah whatever.  
TA: we need two move thii2 along 2o you can contiinue the expungiing of guiilt later.  
CG: OK. WHATEVER.  
CG: LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.  
TA: yeah 2o here'2 the rundown  
TA: aradiia and terezii are on general duty, they're cleaniing the common area and 2hiit. nothiing two report for them and the 2piiderbiitch.  
TA: the dave human and tavro2 are on currently on patrol, nothiing new there eiither.  
TA: equiiu2 ii2 workiing on repaiiriing hii2 portiion of the deviice, ii'm proviidiing 2oftware a22ii2tance when he need2 iit, whiich ii2 liike all the tiime, 2eriiou2ly.  
TA: ii've got a no-2how on makara and leiijon.  
CG: GAMZEE WAS JUST HERE.  
TA: ok cool. and you know what nepeta'2 quarter2 are liike, ii'd be lucky two catch a gliimp2e of her when 2he'2 off duty and not wiith her 2weaty creep of a moiiraiil. not really anythiing two worry about, though.  
CG: NEPETA CAN HANDLE HERSELF, SHE'S PROBABLY JUST HUNTING IMPS OR ROLEPLAYING OR... WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE DOES IN THE ASS-END OF THE LAB.  
CG: THAT LEAVES PIEXES AND THE NEW LOVEBIRDS, PALE AS CAN FUCKING BE.  
TA: feferii'2 iin her block.  
CG: YOU'RE WATCHING HER, AREN'T YOU? I COULD GAG ON HOW CREEPY THAT IS. IT'S PERVADING THE AIR WITH THICKNESS AND SUBSTANCE ENOUGH TO PHYSICALLY ASPHYXIATE ME.  
TA: we're talkiing on trolliian.  
CG: OH.  
CG: NEVER MIND. THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY THAT CREEPY.  
TA: no dude ii'm al2o watchiing her  
CG: ...  
TA: hehe, moviing on.  
TA: kanaya ha2n't left eriidan'2 block yet from what ii know  
TA: ii don't actually have any 2ecuriity iin that 2ector 2o ii don't know for 2ure  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: STOP EVERYTHING.  
CG: SHE COULD TOTALLY KNOW EVERYTHING THEN, RIGHT?  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NOT HAVE SECURITY IN THAT SECTOR? WASN'T THE THE ENTIRE *POINT* OF PUTTING THAT STUFF IN AMPORA'S QUARTERS TO AVOID EXACTLY THIS PRECISE BRAND OF BULLSHIT!?  
CG: BUT NO, CLEARLY OUR MEAGER PROCESSES OF HIDING THEM BEHIND LITERALLY MILES OF LABRYNTHINE LABORATORIES AND ANTI-SEALED TRANSPORTALIZERS HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED BY THE MOIRALLEGIC PASSION OF A JADEBLOODED SEAMSTRESS!  
TA: 2ee thii2 ii2 the thiing ii wa2 talkiing about.  
TA: you ju2t iinterrupted me wiith one of your weiird diiatriibe2 before ii could fiinii2h  
TA: eriidan trolled me earliier he 2ay2 there'2 no problem and that kanaya ha2 been contaiined  
TA: hii2 word2 not miine  
CG: YEAH WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.  
TA: well he 2ay2 there'2 no problem  
TA: ii gue22 we 2hould ju2t roll wiith iit?  
CG: UGH FINE WHATEVER.  
CG: WHAT NOW.  
TA: that'2 iit.  
CG: EXCELLENT, THANK GOG.  
TA: 2eriiou2ly what'2 up though kk  
TA: you're beiing way more neurotiic than u2ual  
TA: and thii2 ii2 me 2ayiing that 2o you know iit'2 legiit a2 fuck.  
TA: ii'm fuckiing biipolar a2 2hiit and ii thiink you're actiing weiird.  
CG: UH, NO.  
CG: HELL. NO.  
CG: HELL. *FUCKING* NO.  
CG: THIS IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHATSOEVER, AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW LITTLE INTEREST I HAVE IN HUMORING YOUR CURIOSITY ABOUT MY PERSONAL PROBLEMS. IT STARTS WITH AN 'F,' AND ENDS WITH 'UCK OFF YOU ASSHAT.'  
CG: MY PROBLEMS ARE BETWEEN ME AND MY MOIRAIL AND YOU WILL JUST HAVE T  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: YOU'RE GOING TO GO ASK GAMZEE NOW AREN'T YOU  
TA: eh no ii'm good  
TA: 2eriiou2ly kk why would ii care about your weiird per2onal problem2 anyway gog  
CG: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT I THOUGHT, YOU SHOULDN'T.  
CG: ANYWAY GOOD WORK AND ALL THAT, BYE.  
TA: 2ee ya, candy horn2.  
CG: JF;KFDSJ FDSAJFKLSD STOP CALLING ME THAT.  
**-carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]-**  
TA: ...  
TA: hehe. gotcha.  
**-twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-**

* * *

**-twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]-**  
TC: WhOa, If It IsN't My FaVoRiTe FoUr-HoRnEd MoThErFuCkEr ThIs SiDe Of PaRaDoX sPaCe!  
TC: WhAt CaN i Do YoU fOr, InVeRtObRoThEr?  
TA: yeah hey. ju2t checkiing iin ii gue22.  
TA: how'2 thii2 2hiitty meteor giig treatiing you?  
TC: HaHa, So DoPe, MaN. i LoVe ThIs PlAcE.  
TC: It'S lIkE wE'rE aLl Up AnD gEtTiNg OuR lIvE oN tOgEtHeR, yOu KnOw? AlL cLoSe AnD cOzY lIkE iN tHiS fUcKiNg SpAcE rOcK oF mIrAcLeS.  
TC: If I'd GoT mY kNoWiNg On AbOuT sOmE sHiT lIkE tHiS i'D hAvE aLl Up AnD sEtTlEd In SoOnEr, YeAh?  
TA: wow, that'2... damn.  
TA: you're liike the only actually haviing fun then. other than liike nepeta, probably. 2eriiou2ly who the fuck know2.  
TC: YeAh, I hEaRd. :O(  
TC: My KaRbRo'S uP aNd DaMn NeAr PuNcHiNg ThE wAlL eVeRy TiMe I gEt My ViSiT oN. i DoN't GoT mUcH iDeA wHaT i CaN bE wItH tHe HeLpInG tHiNg, I gOtTa AdMiT.  
TC: OnLy So MuCh SoOsHiNg A tRoLl CaN hAnDlE bEfOrE tHe HaRsHwHiMsIeS uP aNd StArT mUrTaLiZiNg ThEiR tHiNkPaN, dIg?  
TA: yeah ii hate two 2ay thii2, becau2e iit'2 2ome 2eriiou2 wiiggler level 2tupiid lame 2hiit.  
TA: but ii'm kiind of worriied about hiim.  
TA: for 2omeone iin hii2 po2iitiion he'2 doiing a pretty good job of beiing a leader. and that'2 2ayiing 2omethiing, becau2e we're a bunch of iimmature adole2cent demiigod2 all jumpiing at the chance two iin2ult and fiight among2t our2elve2 at the fiir2t opportuniity.  
TA: and iit 2eem2 liike karkat'2 comiing apart a liittle at the edge2.  
TC: If I wAsN't AlL fUcKiNg PeRkEd Up AnD gEtTiNg My SeRiOuS lIsTeN oN bEfOrE, i SuRe As ThE cIrCuS aM nOw, MoThErFuCkEr. CoUlDn'T bE aGrEeInG mOrE, iF i'M gOnNa Be My OnE hOnEsT sElF wItH a BrOtHeR.  
TA: yeah?  
TC: YeAh...  
TC: ThIs Is FuCkInG aLl My ChAnCe To ApOlOgIzE, rIgHt HeRe. WaNnA tElL yOu MoThErFuCkErS nOt To WoRrY aBoUt ThE kArBrO, bUt SeE tHaT wOuLdN't Be PeAcHy FuCkInG gReEn In My ThInKpAn So I'm JuSt GoNnA tHrOw It AnD gEt My HoNeSt SeLf On AgAiN.  
TC: I dOn'T kNoW hOw MuCh Of ThIs I cAn Up AnD fIx WiThOuT tHe EgGbRo.  
TA: what the 2hiit  
TA: who'2 the eggbr  
TA: waiit  
TA: egbert?  
TA: the john human?  
TC: FuCk DeAd CeNtEr, MoThErFuCkEr.  
TC: KaRbRo'S bEeN eVeRyThInG bEtWeEn HoT aNd BoThErEd BoUt ThE eGgBrO. sHiT's StArTiNg To GeT fUcKiNg ChRoNiC.  
TA: how bad ii2 iit? are we talkiing liike a wiiggler cru2h, or...  
TC: ShIt'S sErIoUs, MoThErFuCkEr. He HaSn'T bEeN gEtTiNg HiS sLeEp On FoR sOmE tImE nOw :O(  
TA: fuck.  
TA: red or black  
TC: If ThErE's AnY mOtHeRfUcKeR aS cAn Up AnD tElL mE iN tHe WhOlE pArAdOx SpAcE, i'D sUrE aS aLl FuCk WaNt To GeT mY mEeT uP oVeR tHeM. aLl I kNoW iS kArBrO's BeEn GoInG dOwNhIlL eVeR sInCe We Up AnD wEnT sPlItTiN' tO tHe WiNdS wHeN wE sTaRtEd OuT. wE kEeP iT gOiNg FoR tOo LoNg AnD tHeRe'S nOt A mOtHeRfUcKeR iN tHe PlAcE aS cAn KeEp HiM tO gO cRaSh AnD bUrN :o(  
TA: ...yeah iif that all happen2 we're pretty much fucked iin all the way2. we won't la2t three day2 left two our2elve2 on thii2 2hiithole meteor.  
TA: iif we don't want two end up bent over the yard, takiing whatever 2hiit the game can throw up our nook2, we better thiink of 2omethiing.  
TC: AnY cHaNcE mY bRoThEr CoUlD aLl Up AnD gEt ThE sPeEd On ThIs MoThErFuCkInG rOcK lIkE a MiRaClE iN iTs OwN sElF?  
TA: ii wii2h. the arriival date'2 pretty much 2et for a couple month2 down the liine. ii don't thiink there'2 much we can do about iit, and that'2 a22umiing both that we and john arriive at the calculated tiime2.  
TA: iif we arriive at all.  
TC: FuUuUuUcK, wHy WoUlD wE nOt Be Up AnD aRrIvInG lIkE aLl ThAt ScIeNcE sHiT gOnE aNd DiViNeD fOr Us AlL lIkE sOmE mOtHeRfUcKiNg SeRiOuS mIrAcLeS?  
TA: uh, forget iit.  
TA: but we know the demon ii2 gonna follow u2 2o we have two have a plan for when we get there.  
TA: waiit  
TA: we can 2end and receiive me22age2 from the john human acro22 the paradox barriier, 2ort of.  
TA: iif ii could get a couple through on the low, we miight be able two calm kk down a liittle.  
TC: ShIt, I'm NoT sUrE hEaRiNg FrOm ThE eGgBrO aLl StIfF aNd FoRmAl-LiKe Is GoNnA hElP tHe KaRbRo GeT hIs PeAcE oN, mAn.  
TC: MaYbE yOu CoUlD wHiP oUt SoMe TrAnSpOrTaLiZeR mIrAcLeS aNd SnAg ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR oFf ThAt ShIp AnD iNtO tHiS hErE pArTy RoCk?  
TA: hehe iif ii could do that ii really would be the greate2t fuckiing ma2ter of co  
TA: holy 2hiit  
TA: heh  
TA: hehehe!  
TA: gamzee ii'm 2orry ii thought you were a weiird 2toned clown guy  
TC: HaHa WhAt?  
TA: you are a fuckiing geniiu2  
TA: ii gotta go work out 2ome 2hiit  
TA: ii'll troll you later  
TC: WaIt ThE mOtHeRfUcK uP fOr A mOmEnT, bRoThEr, WhErE yOu ScAmPeRiNg OfF tO lIkE oNe Of ThEm InKy ImPs? :O(  
TA: the jade human!  
TA: 2he and john are the only two god tiier2 we have!  
TC: HaHa, RiGhT, tHe SiStEr Up AnD gOt HeR wOlFbEaSt SiDe On. ThAt'S sOmE sHaRp-LoOkInG mIrAcLeS iF i Do DeClArE mY oWn MoThErFuCkInG sElF.  
TA: riight  
TA: wiith a god-tiier wiitch of 2pace on the other 2iide  
TA: and a fuckiing hellii2h amount of grii2t on thii2 one  
TA: iit miight ju2t be po22iible.  
TA: and ii mean liiterally ju2t po22iible. iif we pull thii2 off, iit'll be the biigge2t motherfuckiing miiracle any 2e22iion'2 ever 2een.  
TA: or whatever.  
TA: anyway g2g  
TA: troll you later  
**-twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]-**  
TC: HaHa, ThAt'S wHaT i'M tAlKiNg AbOuT, mOtHeFuCkEr.  
TC: TiMe To Up AnD gEt OuR mIrAcLe FaCeS oN :o)

* * *

A cruel hope, perhaps? But then again, isn't that always the case? Tune in next time.


	8. The Snarky Broads' Relationship-ometer

****Sup all.

Guess what the megapause is over! We can go back to pretending we're well-adjusted members of civilized society! Yay!

In other news, this chapter is entirely Rose/Kanaya dialogue. Sorry. My completely normal and well-adjusted life got in the way of writing.

This chapter is dedicated to Neko. And since I've always been curious about what would happen if I did some hussie-like shit and opened the fic to the readerbase... If you want another, try PMing me a user command :P

Schweet that's all, enjoy.

**CENOTAPH**

**Chapter 8**

* * *

**- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -**  
TT: Good evening, my dearest Kanaya.  
GA: Likewise My Darling Rose  
GA: To What Do I Owe This Most Serendipitous Pleasure  
TT: While I scarcely intend to disturb you in your forbidden tryst of pale romance, it has been nearly two days since our last communique.  
GA: And Naturally You Succumbed To Your Addiction For My Presence After A Sleepless Night Of Agonizing Longing  
TT: Woe upon me, I have been discovered.  
TT: Your absence has left me to languish in our bedroom, completely and totally bereft of any light to guide me through this dark hour.  
GA: It Was Movie Night Wasnt It  
TT: Indeed. Dave insisted we forgo the usual selection and partake in a rather atrocious film of both ironic nature and dubious quality.  
GA: To What Genre Of Cinema Did It Pertain  
TT: It was an 80s monster movie of Japanese origin. Feel free to speculate.  
GA: As Tempting As That Is I Shall Refrain  
GA: Actually I Continually Find Myself Confused By The Antics Of The Strider Human  
GA: As My Understanding Would Have It As Your Psuedobiological Sibling He Should Be Not Only Stunningly Attractive But Also Possess An Intellect Akin To The Most Honed Of Razors  
GA: And Yet He Remains Shrouded In Sarcasm And Cryptic Statements I Suspect Are Inherently Obscene But Considering My Own Lacking Knowledge Of The Relevant Earth Customs May As Well Not Be  
GA: To Say Nothing Of That Indecipherable Irony  
TT: I believe I understand.  
TT: The Strider condition, while rendered transparent in the light of Egbertian influence, would remain largely incomprehensible even to the majority of humans.  
TT: For an alien with merely an adequate understanding of human nuance, (even one as downright attractive and well-spoken as yourself) to understand the depths of his 'irony' would be nigh impossible.  
GA: Why Rose Are You Trying To Make Me Swoon With Your Subtle Compliments And Other Arcane Human Seduction Methods  
TT: Perhaps.  
GA: Well I Think I Have Earned More Than An Adequate Understanding Of Human Nuance  
GA: If You Comprehend My Meaning  
TT: Why, Mrs. Maryam, that is an incredibly licentious thing to say!  
TT: I may just fall prey to your strange alien ways, and find myself hopelessly enamored, overcome by forbidden lust and unable to resist your sultry advances.  
GA: An Occasion That Has Borne Witness To Recorded Precedent  
GA: However In All Seriousness  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Please do not misunderstand.  
TT: Beneath all his verbal chaff and mysterious demeanor, Dave Strider is quite capable and very mentally adroit.  
TT: I believe both his displays of crass humor, and propensity to keep people off balance with unusual displays of 'irony' are mechanisms to remain in control whilst interacting in social environments without appearing insecure.  
TT: These defenses are allowed to waver only in the presence of those he trusts.  
GA: So I Am Led To Believe This Is A Pattern Of Behavior Unique To Those Of The Strider Genetic Mutation  
GA: Would You Attribute This To The Unusual Events Surrounding Your Births And Subsequent Arrival On Earth  
TT: Firstly, having never met the elder Strider specimen, I am unable to justify applying the same analysis of behavior that I have to his brother.  
TT: And secondly, no, I am very much sure Dave would grow up to be just as insufferable, if not more so, under any other environment.  
GA: I See  
TT: And while we're on the subject, there is another insufferable male aboard this meteor in desperate need of a psychological dissection.  
GA: That Was A Most Admirable Transition Into Another Topic Of Apparent Interest  
GA: Consider Me Impressed Darling  
TT: Why thank you dearest.  
GA: You Are Very Much Welcome  
GA: I Speak Only The Truth  
GA: In Any Case Eridan Remains In Rather Pitiable Condition  
TT: Objection! I detect personal bias!  
GA: That Was Admittedly Poor Word Choice  
GA: Allow Me To Restate My Evaluation  
GA: Eridan Remains In A State Of Objective Injury That Is Mental Physical And Emotional  
GA: While This Is Not Surprising News It Is Nonetheless Unavoidable And Is The Cause Of My Absence For Which I Profusely Apologize  
TT: None are necessary, dear. We did discuss this and it was, as you say, somewhat expected of your new relation.  
GA: Still It Is Lamentable I Have Been So Occupied Of Late  
GA: But Oh Well  
TT: Mm. How is it all progressing, if you don't mind me asking.  
TT: Feel free to skirt the question if doing so would expose the more inappropriate details of a steamy pale session.  
GA: Our Moirallegience Is Developing Slowly And Properly Thank You Very Much  
GA: Actually Eridan Is Somewhat Of A Traditionalist On The Subject  
TT: Out of curiosity, how does the concept of 'moving too fast' apply to this quadrant?  
TT: Discussion of feelings is limited to the inconsequential?  
TT: No finger-entwining when you hold hands before the third date?  
GA: In This Case Physical Affection Becomes More Pronounced Over Time As With The Flushed Quadrant  
GA: The Difference Is Of Course That The Displays Are Not Concupiscent In Nature  
GA: Also It Is Not That The Discussion Of Feelings Is Withheld But Rather The Allowance And Acknowledging Of Vulnerability  
GA: When You First Began Learning About Our Species You Mentioned To Me How Social Interactions Seemed Slightly Bizarre Though You Couldnt Quite Describe Your Feelings About It At The Time  
GA: Later You Noted That You Thought It Was Due To Our Unwillingness To Appear Weak Or Submissive To Each Other Even To Friends Or Their Equivalents  
GA: This Is The Emotional Connection That Develops Over Time In A Similar Manner To The Admiration And Desire Of The Flushed Quadrant  
GA: Submission To Your Partner And Allowing Them To Nurture And Repair Your Insecurities Whilst Reciprocating The Attention To Them  
TT: This is fascinating. We simply must discuss this at a later date.  
TT: How does tomorrow, over dinner, sound?  
GA: Incredibly Appealing If I Were To Speak Honestly  
GA: I Will Pick You Up At The Usual Time  
TT: Marvelous. In any case, my patrol time is bearing down with all the tact and convenience of a meteor strike.  
TT: I wish you well in your pale ventures, dearest.  
GA: Thank You Darling  
GA: Please Be Safe As The Underlevels Are Especially Rampant With Enemies Of Late  
GA: And Do Impart My Sentiment On To Miss Pyrope That If You Come To Harm I Shall Add To Her Disability With One Similar In Nature To Mr Nitrams  
TT: Mm, your threats of dismemberment to our friends never fail to strike me as so sweet, Kanaya.  
GA: Truly I Have A Way With Words  
GA: Are You Swooning Yet  
TT: Oh, go on, you.  
TT: 3  
GA: 3  
**-grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]-**

* * *

Oh noes I forgot the cliffhanger!

Well... let's just say the next chapter will definitely have some... action, shall we say!

Tune in next time!


End file.
